Sunday, February 6, 2011

Don't Be Your Own Worst Enemy

I am doing everything I can not to run screaming in the other direction. I am doing everything I can not to sabotage this relationship. But its hard to stop myself, from myself.

I'm cranky. I'm moody. I try to pick fights. I twists his words around. I make him reassure me more than necessary. I ignore his emails and his texts for longer than I should before I reply. And I'm pretty sure I do this on purpose.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I went for a run today. A long run. In an attempt to work out some inner demons.

The simple answer might be that I'm scared of falling in love again. Or that I am already in love again. There's no doubt I'm scared of getting hurt again. And there's that troublesome business of feeling like some of my necessary parts, essential to being with someone, are broken. What if those pieces needed to accept love and give love are beyond repair? If fixable, then how, and where do I start the process of rebuilding?

I need to save myself from myself. Because happiness doesn't come around that often. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't stick around for the ungrateful.

It's like my heart contains a love letter I've marked "Return to Sender." And I'm desperately trying not to walk to the mailbox and drop it inside. So when I see those big blue containers on the sidewalk I walk to the other side of the street. I take a slightly different route to work to avoid the ones I know are there. I really am making an effort. What's scary, is that I need to in the first place.

14 comments:

suicide_blond said...

not that ANYONE should ever listen to me on this subject... but.. there isnt anything wrong with slowing things down youre a runner... pace yourself...
xoxo

Andy said...

Desperate for more Unicorn action

silverstar said...

T sending you some Serenity Now! :) I know I'm not alone and that we're all in solidarity with you at each step in this magical mystery tour! ... One can't dip one's toe in the lake of love - you step off the precipice with faith that s/he you have fallen for is there to catch you. To mix some more metaphors, this road has only the here and now. Try not to look in the rearview mirror and see how love has hurt you before or down the road to hazards, roadblocks and off-ramps.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why they call it the Present :)

Toddy said...

suicide- I would like to agree with you that I could or should do that but as a recent commenter said: you cant stop "inexorable accelaration." I think about him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. The heart wants what the heart wants. We are good (due to our time-consuming jobs, workaholic natures and very full and busy social lives independent of one another) at only seeing each other 2-3 times a week. About once during a week and once during the weekend. And we dont talk constantly (on email, text, phone) at all in between. barely. So that distance helps SLOW things down a bit. My feelings are strong and fast. But I actually think the pace of this relationship is o.k. But what do I know?

Andy- okay, okay, okay. I have to write what I'm inspired to write. But I'll try to come up with something.

Silverstar- very wise words my friend. Thanks for reading and for your thoughts. You are right, at some point I just have to leap. And hope for the best. And remember he isn't the guys who hurt me before. And that this happiness is real. And I deserve it. And its not going anywhere.

T

Storm. Kat Storm. said...

I feel for you... I'm my own worst enemy when I'm dating. I fabricate problems in my head. I lose a since of normalcy and turn into that crazy bitch no woman in her right mind would want to be... if she were in her right mind.

I hope that you find your happy place and sort your mind out...

Much <3 for you.

J said...

First- I love the "Panic and run away" sign. Ha!

Second- I get how you are feeling. Boy, do I get it. So do not fret- you are not the only one who feels this way. But keep in mind that this isn't how you always feel. I know that because I see the other posts in which you discuss how lovely and wonderful things are. It's normal to experience the other end of the spectrum. It doesn't suck any less, but it is normal, and the feeling will pass. It is only temporary. Repeat, repeat, repeat until you start to feel better.

Tricia said...

Wow. You sound like me. While I have yet to try and pick a fight or what not, I tend to be the girl that pushes the guy away because of lack of showing interest. I, too, ignore texts/emalis/phone calls, etc, just to not look like I'm missing him, want him or need him. I've learned in the past that you only end up hurting yourself, though. I've resolved myself to try things differently in this relationship (i.e. if I want to contact him and reach out, I will; if I want to see him, I'll ask what he's up to, etc.).

Take it from me, girl. You've got a good one on your hands. Don't let him go. Instead, let yourself go.

Toddy said...

Storm Kat Storm- THANK YOU FOR THE DCBLOGS SHOUT OUT TODAY 2/8/11)!!! I have much <3 for you too my dear!

J- Hah. I love that sign too. It is a mockery/response to the ever popular "Be Calm and Carry On" poster of which I have a framed printed copy. And yes you are ABSOLUTELY right. Things are truly lovely and wonderful but I wrote down these scary, fretful thoughts exactly because I knew other people felt this way sometimes and I wanted to be honest and share it. Even though I knew these feelings were only temporary and wouldn't last.

Tricia- wiser words were never said. And to prove that point, I quoted you in the update to this post: "A Date with A Unicorn: Part 17". I didn't even realize you had your own blog how lame am I? Plan to check it out asap and provide you with the same incredible support that you have long been providing for me. Cheers, T.

quarterforherthoughts said...

Next time you feel this way, re-read Date 17. :)

Toddy said...

Oh Quarter- you are so wise. Next time I feel insecure I most definitely will read the update to this post "A Date with a Unicorn: Part 17." http://themarathonsmistress.blogspot.com/

FoggyDew said...

If only there were words you could use (if you're afraid he's really going to succumb to your sabotage) to explain to him what's going through your head. Oh, wait a minute, there are. You've already written them.

As a guy, I can tell you we already expect a bit of the crazy at the start of a relationship. It's all in how you manage it and, you know, not going completely off the deep end. Personally, if someone started with "I'm doing everything I can..." and worked her way through "...an attempt to work out some inner demons." That'd be good enough to keep me around for the next act. I'd stay away from the next sentence, though, at least for the time being. Or you can throw that in as the kicker. See what happens.

There is a universal truth (if he’s a decent guy): If you're feeling like this, you can be pretty sure he is too. He probably has the exact same thoughts and fears you do.

Oh, and don’t start off with, “We need to talk” unless you want to see the blood drain from his face.

Toddy said...

While I am always ever grateful for my consistent and inciteful female writers, nothing quite pleases my punch quite as much as male readers and commenters. And I already have 3 on this post!!! They must just be glad that aren't dating me!

FoggyDew- While I appreciate your advice, you have NO idea, I'd rather stab a fork in my eyes then tell Mr. U how I'm really feeling and have him be the one panicking and running screaming in the opposite direction. I prefer instead to vent such feelings on my blog, get them out of my system and then function in daily, real life as a normal, non-crazy female individual. Nice idea though, in theory, really.... :-)

Susanlee said...

You could be talking about me. Except instead of taking a step back, I lost it all.

Toddy said...

Shit Susanlee - don't leave me hanging. HOW DID YOU LOSE IT ALL??? I need to learn from your mistakes!!!!!!!! -T.