I am doing everything I can not to run screaming in the other direction. I am doing everything I can not to sabotage this relationship. But its hard to stop myself, from myself.
I'm cranky. I'm moody. I try to pick fights. I twists his words around. I make him reassure me more than necessary. I ignore his emails and his texts for longer than I should before I reply. And I'm pretty sure I do this on purpose.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I went for a run today. A long run. In an attempt to work out some inner demons.
The simple answer might be that I'm scared of falling in love again. Or that I am already in love again. There's no doubt I'm scared of getting hurt again. And there's that troublesome business of feeling like some of my necessary parts, essential to being with someone, are broken. What if those pieces needed to accept love and give love are beyond repair? If fixable, then how, and where do I start the process of rebuilding?
I need to save myself from myself. Because happiness doesn't come around that often. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't stick around for the ungrateful.
It's like my heart contains a love letter I've marked "Return to Sender." And I'm desperately trying not to walk to the mailbox and drop it inside. So when I see those big blue containers on the sidewalk I walk to the other side of the street. I take a slightly different route to work to avoid the ones I know are there. I really am making an effort. What's scary, is that I need to in the first place.