Friday, February 4, 2011

Trust Me, He Likes You.

Last night Mr. U made fun of me for something. He was only teasing. Which I see now. But at the time, I took it very personally. I am notorious for being overly sensitive. "You must know I'm kidding right?" he insisted. "Well, I can't tell yet. We're still getting to know each other," I whined.

"Dear lord, T!" he said. "Don't you have any concept of how much I like you? If I tease you or play with you or make fun of you its obviously in jest. There are a whole pile of things I like about you. What do you want me to do go through the pile with you?"To which I replied: "Yes." So he did... He went through a very, very long list, one-by-one. Several piles of things he likes about me. Definitely flattering. Definitely reassuring. But did I need reassuring? Or was I just being insecure? Or was I just fishing for compliments?

The only problem that remained after I listened to him spout out all the wonderful things about me he liked was that apparently, it was my turn. "So...what do you like about me?" he asked.


How do you answer that when there are so many answers. I like who he is. I like the way he acts and things he's done. I like the many ways he makes me feel. On the one hand, there are things I can list. EX: (1) bad at karaoke but enjoys it and looks cute doing it (2) generous (3) tells me I'm pretty (4) physically fit (5) interested in learning about and experiencing new things (6) makes me feel safe (7) feels like being with an old friend (8) good relationship with his family (9) sexy (10) smart (11) a good listener (12) calls me on my bull shit (13) we could talk about anything (14) both avid readers (15) both well-traveled and want to travel more (16) the beard (17) political (18) can cook some (19) does crosswords in bed with me b/c I love them even though I think he could care less (20) I like that he's from DC like me and a DC snob like me (21) I like that he's always cold (22) good dresser (23) cares about his religious heritage but not that religious etc. etc. etc.

On the other hand, some of this stuff is just ineffable. Can't be explained. Can't be described. I just know we are a good fit. It feels right. It has been effortless to be together even when its not. E.g. we don't "fight," we discuss things. E.g. We are both workaholics in the same way and understand that about each other and give each other lots of space. (Not everyone could handle that.) There are so many things. But at the end of the day...

I just like him. He likes me. We keep choosing to spend time together and having fun together. So we keep choosing to spend time together. This is not rocket science people.

So why, why, why do I need a list of reasons? Why when he asked me out in the first place or when he had already asked me out on our second date did I stress and worry: "Does he like me? Does he like me?" Why after he asked me to be his girlfriend did I stress and worry: "Is he gonna change his mind? Does he like me?" Why, why, why when I don't hear from him all day because he's been in meetings do I think: "Does he like me, does he like me?" Only to receive an email hours after I'm convinced I'm a goner that states: "Been going 110mph, but can't wait to stop and see you later."

Washingtina gave me some really good advice during one of my freak outs. "He likes you," she assured me. "Guys don't do things they don't want to do. If he's spending time with you," he likes you.

HOLY SHIT!!!!! REALLY????????? ZOMG!!! I NEVER KNEW!!!! all of my ladies, who like myself, happen to visit crazy town from time to time, here's a tip:

He asks you on a date - he likes you.
He asks you on a second date - he likes you.
He kisses you - he likes you.
He holds your hand - he likes you.
He pays - he likes you.
He asks you on a third date - he likes you.
He asks you on a fourth date - he likes you.
He asks you on a fifth date - he likes you a lot.
He asks you out in advance for said dates - he likes you.
He plans nice dates - he likes you.
He emails you - he likes you.
He calls you - he likes you.
He texts you - he likes you.
He sleeps with you - he likes you (well at least something about you, probably).
He continues to sleep with you - he likes you (at least something about you, definitely).
He makes you breakfast or cooks for you anytime - he likes you.
He sends/gives you flowers - he likes you.
He buys you a gift - he likes you.
He wants to meet your friends - he likes you.
He remembers how you like your coffee - he likes you.
He gives you compliments - he likes you.
He lets you have the last of the egg salad (or other food/drink in the house) - he likes you.
He introduces you to his friends - he likes you a lot.
He gives you a drawer - he likes you a lot.
He listens to you blab about girly shit- he likes you a lot.
He takes care of you when you are sick - he likes you.
He goes shopping with you - he likes you a lot.
He thinks you look good in the morning when you've just woken up - he likes you a lot.
He forgives you when you're cranky in the am before you've had your coffee - he likes you a lot.
He asks you to be his girlfriend - he likes you a lot. (like piles of stuff a lot a lot).
He introduces you to his parents - he may love you.
He wants to meet your parents - he probably loves you.
He asks you to move in with him - he loves you.
He asks you to marry him - he believes he will love you forever and loves you unconditionally.

Am I missing anything? Whatever it is...



WashingTina said...

You are hilarious! I love it! Glad to here that things are still going well...and that crazy hasn't quite left town yet (that's a selfish one--for entertainment value). :)

WashingTina said...

Oh, and another for your I knew: He gives you bacon off his plate-he loves you. :)

Tricia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tricia said...

I doubt if my boyfriend likes me sometimes, too, but then I sit back and think about all the grand gestures he does (i.e. picking me up when I live right across the street to come visit, paying for the bills, the snuggles all night, sweet kisses in the morning . . .). Men baffle me, too, but trust me, they have it just as bad for us as we have it for them :)

KellyAlysia said...

Haha. It sounds really silly to sit down with a boy and talk about the things you like about each other, but it really is a good idea and I will tell you my experience with it and a couple things that just now occurred to me.

I had been in a relationship with a guy back in college for not long, about 3 months, and it had to end (and we knew it would from the beginning) when I went abroad to Australia. But a couple weeks before I left I made him a card with a long list of really specific/special things I liked about him--anyway, even though it was awkward because then I left and it was over--it made me feel better knowing that I spent those 3 months with someone I really did care about and therefore it wasn't a waste, it was just an experience worth having had.

And then, more recently, I dated a guy, for about the same length of time (sensing a trend?), and we were basically in the midst of problems and about to break up for reals when we were hanging out one night and I asked him to tell me something that he liked about me and then I would do the same. The first thing he said was...let's just say, not something I would consider special or heartwarming and then as we went back and forth he struggled to come up with even 2-3 more things or at least he was acting like it was a struggle. So anyway, that was an aha moment for me.

But the way I see it, I would rather have a guy show me he likes me than say it out loud or say it with flowers or other material objects. The letting you have their bacon off their plate and remembering how you take your coffee--that's real.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like things are hitting a nice stride. Maybe that grumpy episode was just a hiccup that represented a shift to your second wind.

How many things did he come up with that makes you think a list of 20+ things you like is a short list? But I think you nailed it. The stuff that inspires and excites us really isn't explainable.

Rachel said...

I freakin' love this. Sometimes I sound like I've got it all figured out. But I am NOTORIOUS for panic attacks and freak outs and I will convince myself that a guy does not like me, absolutely 100% for sure, does not like me. And he's doing lots of those things on my list. I don't know if it's just an expectation of being disappointed (or not wanting to get my hopes up), but this list is a great reminder that even the little things are important.

I would add that he can order a drink for you at the bar without checking to make sure it's right.

Anonymous said...

I have dated the same man for 5 years now, and while there are many things I would like to change or see improve, per se, I have no doubt that he loves me. The trick to knowing, is to know who HE is. And it sounds like you're on you're way to that, which is really, really nice and I am happy for you. As for me and MY crazy romance, I knew he loved me when he called my father (who he had not yet met at that time) to talk to him about purchasing a shotgun. OH - and when he spent 2 hours teaching me how to clean my gun, I pretty much knew it was wrapped up too. Point is, they are ALL different, but never doubt what you feel... looks like you're on your way to "very special" and you most certainly deserve it!! Thanks for sharing!!!

suicide_blond said...

I think we all have doubts and insecurities--- but youre right -- he likes you ;-) xoxo

J said...

Ha, too true. I guess years of dating a-holes has a way of jading us! I was telling a friend about Cameron and said something indicating I wasn't sure of his level of interest in me. She said, "No, guys don't do this wishy washy girl stuff about maybe they like you or maybe they don't. If he's putting in the effort like this, he's really into you." How did we forget this simple truth? And like you said, when things are right, they just work. It's not some huge complicated thing. It is what it is...he likes you.

Toddy said...

Washingtina- sadly for me, fun for you, I will likely inhabitany crazy town for my whole life. And the bacon sharing definitely means he likes you!

Tricia- yeah, Id say its safe to say he likes you.

KellyAlysia- yeah some guys arent big talkers BUT if they cant find 3 things they like about you, they might not REALLY like you. Unfortunately. I agree w showing in ways other than materially but on the other hand money can be a way a man shows affection through protecting someone
or caring for someone, making sure needs are met or giving or providing something unnecessary or special.

Berniemacx- 20 things IS a short list. I could probably list 100 things I like about Mr U.

Rachel- agreed! Our insecurities are totally irrational at times. And knowing what type of food or drink you like enough to order in advance definitely qualifies for the list.

Phnx- def dont think Mr Us like for me will ever be displayed in gun buying OR cleaning but hey, everyone is wonderfully different. I would say- having a relationship with a parent (here seeking out conversation and advice) absolutely general rule that he likes you. 5 yrs wow!!! Which makes me think even further- "Dates you for 5 years"---trust me, he likes you.

Suicide_blonde--i agree! He likes me. Eep!

J-The a-holes def have something to do w it!! For. Sure.

Cheers! -T

Jolene said...

Aw! I love this and your list. I think you are getting to the point - I think - that you just KNOW he cares and may possibly even love you...or DOES love you but hasn't said it yet. This is real, and I know you know it, but sometimes the reassuring signs help. I get that. And I am thankful to be a point with M that I just KNOW. 100%.

DCResident said...

Everything that should be said about the post has already been said other than this: The author of the book that you posted at the start is GAY HEAD. *snickers like the 12 year old boy I am inside*

Toddy said...

Jolene - yes, "we" are in a good place. I'm just hoping my head can catch up to my heart and that "I" can be in a good place and just accept that YES THIS IS HAPPENING to me and yes this is good and yes I deserve it and start relaxing and enjoying it without my defenses up.

DefJam- I certainly HAD noticed that and wondered if anyone else had. Of course you would be the one who did. of course. :-)

Kat said...

What about if he says it's fate you met? (swoon)

Toddy said...

Kat --- ohhhhhhhh yes. If he says its "fate he met you" he definitely likes you. Did someone say that to you recently???? DOUBLE SWOON.

Anonymous said...

Oh crap.

Nobody likes me!

Toddy said...

oh Quarter- someone probably does. or will very soon. I just know it! -T.

Toddy said...

I've thought of some new ones I'd like to add:

If he says "I'm not going anywhere" - he likes you.

If he says "Do you have any idea how much affection I have for you?" - he likes you.

If you ask him to give you reasons he likes you and he obliges - he likes you.

If he takes you out on your birthday - he likes you.

If he takes you out on Valentines Day -he likes you.

If he gives you a warning before he turns on the lights, because you've asked him to bc bright lights first thing in the morning is awful to you and takes bracing yourself for - he likes you.

If he apologizes to YOU for having to work so much (when you're not married and why would he have to apologize to you for anything having to do with his lifestyle unless) - he likes you.

Also, I've recently been listening to "Tell Her About It" by Billy Joel which is a song to guys totally about this issue of girls not knowing when guys care/guys having to constantly remind us. Its perfectly appropriate.