*I never wanted anything so much Than to drown in your love*
"State of the Union at my house Tuesday?" Mr. Unicorn inquired. "Works for me," I messaged back. "Shall I cook?" "That'd be great," he responded.
When Tuesday evening rolled around, Mr. U picked me up at work. We held hands and walked briskly through the night air while making our way to the grocery store. After purchasing our supplies, we headed back to the apartment. He opened up a bottle of wine and put on some music. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work preparing potatoes. So this is what being a part of a couple feels like, I thought. It had been so long, I'd pretty much forgotten.
"How exactly are you making those potatoes?" he looked at me strangely. "Because typically I..." "Psssht," I shushed him. "I know you aren't about to tell me, the Irish girl, how to make potatoes are you? Because if there's one thing we Irish people know how to cook - its meat and potatoes - just drink your drinky drink and let the expert handle this." "Sorrrryyyyy," he joked back at me. "I get it, I get it. Your people have a monopoly on potatoes. Got it." "And don't you forget it," I concluded. After which, the rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. State of the Union watching. Chicken Picatta eating. Red wine drinking. And then bed. Until...
I lay there wrapped in a comforter, warm and content. So serene and contemplative that my heart suddenly welled up in my chest while my thoughts and emotions seemed to burst all at once. And then I started to cry.
And boy, did I cry. I cried and I cried and I couldn't stop. "What's wrong!" Mr. U sat up in bed concerned and very alarmed. "I don't know," I said as I continued to sob. And I didn't really know. All I knew was that I was mortified and embarrassed and I felt stupid - to say the least - And yet I could not be cajoled to stop. "I'm not a crier," I insisted. "Really I'm not."
Which is true. I am not a crier. In fact, I don't think I'd cried in years. I'll say that again - YEARS.
I didn't cry when I lost my job. I didn't cry when I lost my money. I didn't cry when my birth mother abandoned me for a second time or my half brother cursed me out on the sidewalk of a DC street in front of my friends. I didn't cry when I was sick or when I thought I might die. But then... on this calm night, where everything in my life was finally fitting into place, I finally did cry. I cried for the loss. I cried for the pain. I cried for the happiness that had suddenly appeared. It had been so long since I'd been happy. And I cried for that too. So much wasted time. So much heartache.
"I'm just....so....so....happy," I whispered quietly. "But I'm scared." "I'm scared too," Mr. U whispered back. Which surprised me. Mr. Confidence? Mr. So Sure of Himself? Who had pursued me and wooed me and gotten me so successfully with such seeming ease and perfection? What could he possibly have to be scared of? "This all just happen so fast..." I continued. "All of it." "Hmm," he considered this carefully. "Do you wanna slow things down?" he asked. "I don't know how we'd even going about doing that," I said. "Do you wanna slow things down?" I questioned, worried what his answer might be. "No," was all he said.
"Alright," he continued, after awhile. "You are okay. O-kaaay. Let's sit up. Have a sip of water. Take some deep breaths. And go to sleep." "Okay," I nodded sitting up. I gulped down some water, took a few deep breaths and then lay my head down again, feeling very exposed, vulnerable and yes, super lame.
"We're in this together now", I thought, still unable to completely calm my nerves to sleep. And I knew there were no guarantees. After all, every relationship "fails," or at the very least, ends, that is until one doesn't. I wondered if this might be that one. And hoped this might be that one. And finally fell asleep, knowing that whether it was that one or not, at least we were in this one, together.