Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Date with A Unicorn: Part 14

***A word to the wise, for my more hopelessly romantic readers: If you didn't like the last post, because it was a little too much reality, with a little too little whimsy, then you aren't going to like this entry any better. Let's just say, it's a bit dark***


Mr. Unicorn and I quickly return to newly-coupled dating bliss after a brief wrong turn down I-was-a-cranky-bitch-but-he-forgave-me Lane. We continued to spend time together frequently and sooner than I initially planned or intended things progressed to be "more serious." (Please be adults and interpret this last statement adequately so that I don't have to be more specific. Much obliged.)

And at this point, the two of us suffered yet another hitch in our giddy-up. After things got "more serious" or "more special" as it were, I didn't hear from him. For. two. days. I could have killed him. I was pissed off and also terrified beyond anxiety's belief that I'd been used and abused and made to believe in mythical creatures that promised happily ever after when in reality he was just another rabid dip shit dog of the male human variety.

At which point, I suffered yet another poor night of sleep wondering if this fairy tale romance had come to an end with me as the victim of a very very cruel joke delivered by the universe at large. When I realized I had about an hour or two before I had to start getting ready for work, and I hadn't slept a wink, I willed myself to get up, go downstairs, wrap a blanket around my shoulders, sit at the computer, and then I wrote the following, feeling numb and desperate:

"It's 4:21 a.m. and I can't sleep. This endless cold I've been enduring and too much food at a fancy dinner with my parents last night doesn't help. And then of course, there's you...

I'm so furious at you right now I can literally feel internal organs and veins and muscles seething with rage. I can also sense the worry in my face - behind my forehead and my cheekbones.

I didn't hear from you today. Not a text or an email or a phone call. Which normally would be fine. I've told you before I'm a "working girl" and I've got "things to do." Perhaps that was my mistake, but no, this time, the mistake is finally yours.

You men. You. men. Sometimes you men make me crazy. Make us girls crazy. And I just want to point my finger out into the universe at the lot of you clueless awful men. you, you, you, you...suck. So there.

Sex changes everything. Everything. It always does. You get it and stop being so nice all the time. Which disgusts me. Which pisses me off. Which hurts me. If you sleep with me then you better acknowledge my existence the next day. Or duly expect my wrath in timely fashion.

You're probably just really really busy. Just like me. And trying to play it somewhat cool. Just like me. And I know I'll see you in a couple of days and I know you know that too. But still...

I don't want to see you now. For this special night I planned. And I don't want to spend the night. And I don't want to continue to fall for you because the inevitable inevitably occurs - you let me down. And I am sad. And cannot sleep.

I suppose its some consolation that the moon is beaming over my head streamed with thick, swiftly moving clouds across the night sky. The man in the moon's head tilts just slightly to the right. His mouth is gaped wide at me, questioning. I could waggle my hand at him perhaps and feel better. You man. You men. I could blame you all for my insomniatic melancholy. But I think I'll just blame...him."


At which point, I closed my laptop, stood up slowly and walked back over to the kitchen. I stood in the shadows and made a pot of coffee. I poured myself a cup and wandered back to the den. Sipping my liquid cocaine slowly, I gazed out the window again, still wondering what the man in the moon might be trying to tell me. Then I got dressed and went to work and behaved the way the consummate professionalism might. At some point during the day, I wrote, and then posted, what I recall to be "A Date with A Unicorn: Part 10" which made me slightly miserable. While I wasn't thrilled describing how gosh darn dandy and wonderful he and everything else was not knowing whether it was all over or not, at the same time I still felt grateful for all the beauty and merriment and magic that I'd been given over the last several weeks. No matter what happened, I couldn't regret any of it or wish it undone.

I reached out to a friend to discuss the matter further. "Well what did you expect?" she asked me calmly. "Flowers, or something?" "No, of course not," I replied insistently. "But I did expect one god damn text or one god damn email. Just some acknowledgment of my existence." "I can understand that," she comforted me.

When I finally heard from him...it was still not very satisfying. Instead of asking me how I was doing or saying anything nice or anything at all to acknowledge my existence or the fact that things had gotten "more special" or "more serious" and that that was a good thing, instead I got what was called "Unessential updates on my life", (no joke), which described what he had been up to and had in the days ahead of him, oh and also to ask me if we could push back our dinner date for Saturday an hour later because he had friends coming over in the afternoon. (Need I remind you that this was the special date that I had been scrupulously planning to the last detail and fretting over for weeks, which included dinner and a concert, and meeting some of my friends, as a thank you to him for all the amazing dates he had planned and paid for and also as a gift to celebrate his birthday.)

Let's just say, I didn't feel like responding to him. So I didn't.

When he hadn't heard back from me, he sent me another email. And another. And then finally, one that said: "What's going on? Why haven't I heard back from you?" And then when I still didn't answer, one that said: "Come over after work."

Had he really upset me. Or do I always do this? Block the very real and deep feelings I have for someone worthy, reverting back to my numb, stone-cold heart center, in order to defend myself against getting hurt? Is this why I have such impossible expectations of everyone, including myself? So that no one can ever live up to them and I therefore remain safely alone? I thought about just the other night when we sat in the car and I was kissing him. And he was saying how he didn't want the night to be over and I had said the same thing and there had been electricity between us- you know the way it feels when you're holding someone hands and it feels like the tenderness they feel for you is traveling along a line from their hand directly to your heart? I thought of this and then made my over to his house after work.

"What's going on?" he asked me when I got there. "You upset me," I answered plainly. "How?" he questioned calmly and seriously. "Well...(I struggled with my words)...the other night...it was...a big deal..." "Yes...and?" (Then I found the courage to explain) "And...you didn't even acknowledge my existence! for two days! Not a call or a text or an email. That made me feel awful. Can't you see that?" He pulled me against his chest and threw his arms around me. "I am so so sorry," he said. "I would never mean to hurt you like that. I'm crazy about you. I just thought you knew that. And we have our big date Saturday. I just...didn't think." "Well you need to think about it from now on. Whenever we're "together" like that, you need to acknowledge my existence the next day- in some way." "I can do that," he promised. "And while I'm happy to do that, and I will do that from now on, you must know that whether I did or not, I'm thinking of you every day." "Really?" I looked up at him. "Really."

And just like that, I was all in again. The whole deal.

14 comments:

Tricia said...

Goosebumps!

Tricia said...

Also, now it makes sense why you replied the way you did on Part 10 . . . hmmmmm.

Rachel said...

::sigh::

Stupid men. I swear, this is only confirmation to me that even the best of men still don't really understand women. I think that for a lot of guys who really are decent and kind men, sex isn't a cause for anxiety (as it is for us). It's confirmation that things are solid and that being more serious, contact isn't necessarily. Which is totally untrue. I would have reacted the EXACT SAME WAY you did, and I think you have good cause. Seriously. He needs to know from the get-go what you expect, because if you don't let him know how that kind of behavior makes you feel, he's going to think it's fine and your bad feelings will fester and grow.

Also, if someone complains about this not being all romantical, they're not being realistic. But I can't imagine that anyone would complain. We like reading your blogs for the same reason Mr. U has reacted in response to these events: because you're a real person and you're not an uber-bitch all the time and you care. We're not reading for some perfect, but unrealistic story - we're reading because it's nice being reminded what a REAL relationship beginning looks like and how good it can feel. Keep writing what you're writing and don't make an apologies for it.

Toddy said...

Tricia- hoping "goosebumps" is a good thing! And yes, you hit the nail on the head. Some of my comments on Part 10 WERE very hesistant and worried and careful for the exact reason that this post's events had just occurred.

Oh Rachel- you are such a lovely reader to have. And commenter. you always have such thoughtful insights to consider and respond to. You are 100% right. Women get upset about stuff that men would NEVER consider and thus women and in this case me get upset for no reason! all that pain and worry for nothing! which ended up causing pain and worry on Mr. U for no reason! The only thing I can say, is that if any men read this post - if you sleep with a woman and you want a repeat, contact her the next day and say whatever. as long as its nice and my favorite phrase "an acknowledgement of existence." And to women- if someone is treating you as well as Mr. U had been treating me, for as long as he'd been treating me that way, you have to assume that he does like you and that things are ok and wait it out before losing sleep or causing unnecessary problems in your fragile, new relationship.

Lastly I agree. Its been pretty amazing mapping out a chronology of how a new relationship develops. I hope it continues. I really do. Its been a joy to live and a joy to write about. I feel so inspired.

Thanks ladies and cheers! -T.

Andy said...

I don't like how he issued a demand for you to go around to his hovel. He should have been around to YOUR place with fucking bells on.

Betsy said...

That thing you wrote at 4 a.m. pretty much says everything us girls have ever wanted to say to men... but don't have the *guts* to.

I'm really really glad you told him how you felt there at the end- that is so good. I probably would've held it in, then he never would've known. And I believe him, and most guys, they just don't think of that stuff like we do. Frustrating and true.

Tricia said...

Goosebumps are a good thing. However, BOTH of you need to work on communication.

I think I'm a different kind of woman than most who have been commenting on your blog because I sat there and thought, "Well, why did you have to wait for HIM to contact YOU?" Please don't think I'm trying to be critical, but if you are both it in together, then you both need to to be communicating. You can't sit back and expect him to make every move because in reality, he may be thinking the exact same thing you are ("why hasn't she called me?"). I get it has been the norm for him to contact you in the past thus far, and unfortunately by him doing that, he has set you up for that expectation. Maybe he was trying to see if you'd reach out to him, to be sure you were as crazy about him as he. Make sense?

Toddy said...

Andy- I can see how you might say that but he lives just a couple blocks from my office/workplace on my way home. Short walking distance. And he's NEVER been to my place since we've been dating because its a bit far out from downtown where we like to spend our time. I also have roommates that might make a serious conversation or potential fight more awkward (not that it came to that).

Betsy- its so funny you should say that. Everything we want to say but don't have the "guts to" because you know I didn't SEND that letter to him. I wrote it for myself to get the feelings out. And while I did have the "nerve" to publish it on this blog for all the world's strangers to potentially see, I didn't have the "guts" to share it with him or tell him all that stuff. But yes I did admit that I was upset at him and why and I sincerely believe he was VERY UPSET himself to learn that I had been so upset and will be more conscious of "acknowledging my existence" on a regular basis regardless of our busy schedules in the future.

Loving these awesome, thoughtful comments today! -T.

Toddy said...

Tricia- I COMPLETELY AGREE with your statement. These events occurred some time ago. And things are much more certain between Mr. U and I which you will shortly see. Now that I know how he feels about me and he knows how I feel about him, I am definitely initiating any and all communication with him I deem necessary regardless of what communication he may or may not be initiating with me. I appreciate the constructive criticism! Never censor yourself. Heck, if I got "hate" comments I'd be okay with it. Some other bloggers disagree. But I'm of the "any publicity is good publicity camp" for celebrities in that "any comment, is a good comment" because people are actively engaged in thinking about, reading and responding to my blog. So there you go. But your comment wasn't a bad one anyways. And cheers, T.

berniemacx said...

@Rachel That's unfair. Men can never be expected to understand women. And really, there isn't a woman out there that understands men. It's too broad of a subject. Having read so many dating horror stories in the past few months, I'm appalled that some of these guys even exist. Of course T is justified in reacting the way that she did. But putting the blame entirely on the guy? It's not like women come with a manual or a tutorial (Hmmm...this might be the subject for a future blog post).

That's coming off harsh but it's coming from good intentions. I have always tried to keep past relationship woes from poisoning future ones. But I've also found that what's worked in previous relationships come off as too much or too little in others. Good for you T in holding on to your sanity and just putting your cards down when you had to. You might think he's a unicorn but sounds to me like he's trading up from whatever he had before. (No, it's not sweet but I try not to be sentimental)

Toddy said...

berniemacx- thanks for the comment, especially the compliment that this guy might be trading up. but i'm a whole lot of personality and a whole bag of crazy that he puts up with in exchange for whatever I may otherwise have to offer and if you've read A Date with A Unicorn Parts 1-13 and the prologue of "New Year, New Man" you would know that he is smart, successful, interesting, kind, fun, mature, articulate and SO FRICKIN AMAZING and GOOD TO ME that I can't believe my lucky stars. I do not undervalue myself by saying this. I definitely know my worth and definitely know that I deserve to be treated well and that I'm a catch, but that doesn't change the fact that Mr. U is the best person I have ever dated and I'll do whatever I can to keep doing so and to make him happy. Because right now-he makes me more happy than I ever knew happy could be.

Jolene said...

Wow. I would have reacted the same way. I don't know that I'd have the guts to write what you did to him, but I applaud it. And isn't it just the way men are sometimes...I HATE that. You're going through hell thinking he's long gone and then he says you are always on his mind and then voila, all seems so much clearer! Why can it be so simple for them but not for us? ;-) Just glad to hear it turned out ok1

quarterforherthoughts said...

giggity giggity giggity!

Toddy said...

Jolene and Quarter - ha. Giggity, giggity is right. And you know I didn't ACTUALLY send Mr. U that letter right? It was just a letter I wrote out to the universe/to myself to get my feelings out since I was upset. Thanks guys, T.