In theory, I want to go out on another date with the Math Teacher. But in reality I have NO INTEREST IN GOING OUT TONIGHT. OR BOWLING.
My whole body aches. Everywhere. My back, neck, shoulders. My face. My eyes behind the eyes. My quads. My hamstrings. The soles of my feet. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I work too much. (Well I KNOW I work too much - I even work a full day Saturdays so a six day week). Maybe I'm getting the flu (some of my coworkers were out sick this week and my mom has also been afflicted). Or maybe I'm just depressed. Two run-ins with the ex (yes I DID run into him AGAIN on my way to work yesterday. More on that some other time maybe...) in the last five days and its just too much. It's all too much. Or maybe I'm just dehydrated and need a glass of water? Who knows...
I told my coworker I wanted to cancel. I told her I feel like shit and I'm exhausted and we have to work all day tomorrow too! And then Sunday I'm spending the whole day with my mom for Mother's Day doing fun stuff she likes like an early morning walk outside, documentary movies, art exhibits, brunch etc.
My coworker was kinda mean to me in response to my lack of luster for living it up. She said: "What are you gonna do then? Go home and put on your sweatpants and watch TV?"
I said: "Um, yes. Exactly. And drink wine." (Don't try to tell me that's not bliss). The truth is: I wanna be alone. I don't feel like myself. And its even MORE exhausting and stressful trying to PRETEND to be me. The me everyone likes. The fun, bubbly, nice person that I just am not embodying right now. Because right now I am angry and tired and bitter and sad and exhausted and stressed and lost.
But I know how shitty it is to cancel on someone. Especially if they cleared their schedule to hang with you and therefore didn't make other Friday night plans. And then maybe he won't ask me out again. And I DO want to see if something is there with the Math Teacher. He IS a nice, interesting, cool guy. But I DON'T want to see if something is there tonight. Though I don't want to blow him off or hurt his feelings or give him the wrong impression.
I don't know. Ugh. I'd said TGIF. But I work Saturdays. Fuck my life. Just fuck it.
Tell me what to do lovely readership. You decide. And I will listen. You always say the right things. Which is why I write to you out into the abyss. I get more out of it, then you do. I'm sure.
Tired, tired T.