And I. am. winning. WINNING!!!!!
Holy shit. Seriously.
Its like 9:15am on a Monday and I have work to get to. Like for realz. But...this is just too awesome not to impart to all my ladies out there who may need a beginning of the week boost of hope and awesomeness...
So - I don't know if I mentioned this before but I work ACROSS THE STREET from my EX (aka David, aka Mr. U or Mr. Unicorn - ack - barf - yeah right). I eat my lunch on a lovely rooftop every day. Only problem - I have to stare at his fuckin lair right across the street spoiling the ambiance. It blows.
My walk to and from the metro and work is his walk to and from his apartment and his work. So for two weeks I've been looking over my shoulder every second. Wondering if I was going to see him. Hoping I DONT see him. Hoping I DO see him. What if he was on a date? What if he was holding hands with some other fucking girl walking her to work like we used to do together? I was mortified and petrified and angry and sad and a total paranoid freak running around thinking I saw him anywhere and everywhere. Every morning. Every lunch break. Every evening. Totally psychotic nightmarish misery.
Then...this morning. I was walking from the metro. I totally forgot he existed. (At least for the moment I had). I was texting funny messages back and forth with my coworker B, on my way to work. She was already there and I was filling her in on the weekend.
And I look over to the right to check the traffic at an intersection and there he is. THERE HE FUCKING IS!!! The first time I wasn't looking for him and there he was. And I laughed. Out loud. Because OF COURSE. Because OF COURSE the one minute I let my guard down, there he was.
And I thought of avoiding him. I thought of changing course to work. I wondered if he saw me and was pretending to ignore me or whether he hadn't seen me at all. And I somehow decided this was it - I was going to run into him - ON PURPOSE - and get back my sanity. And my independence. And my freedom.
So I walked on, until we were next to each other AT THE SAME FUCKING CROSSWALK. Waiting for the light to turn so we could cross the street. And he stood next to me.
"Hey," I said nonchalantly. "Good morning."
"Oh! Hey!" he said as surprised to see me as I had been.
And then my coworker B sent me a text that was HILARIOUS and I looked at it and laughed.
"You seem to be in a good mood this morning," he said staring at me.
"Yeah," I said. "I am. I'm good."
"Thanks for my stuff," he said. (I didn't mention it but I dropped his shit off in a plastic bag on his doorstep in the middle of the day on Saturday. Good riddins).
"No problem," I replied casually. "I just didn't want anything of yours lying around."
I got another text from B and laughed one more time. "Take care," I said as easy breezy as a Covergirl, waving my hand in the air with my folded up newspaper. I walked across the street away from him and smiled down ahead.
He had LOOKED LIKE SHIT. He looked tired. and sad. And I - did not. I don't know if I'm winning or not (really), since I love him. And miss him. And he fucked with me. But again. he. looked. like. shit. tired. and. sad. And I did not. I'm definitely not losing. And you know what...he just looked like some guy. It's sort of tragic really - because its like he was a stranger. Like none of it every happened. But Life goes on...because it must. And since I must go along with it...I'll do it and win.
YES!!!! A TRIUMPH!!!