Monday, April 25, 2011

Post-Breakup: Day 10

I feel okay.

I'm not gonna lie - I don't feel great. But I feel o-kay.

It's really REALLY hard to get up early when you are under the foggy weight of Tylenol PM, necessary to sleep at all. But I finally did get up. I showered and spent an enormous amount of time making my hair just so. Which was sort of stupid since I stepped out into the DC humidity (hello summer! didn't you know we only get about 3 days of spring and that's it before the swampy heat arrives?). I did my crossword while I waited for the bus like I always do. And on the subway.

I got to work swishing past everyone and everything to my desk. And I worked. Hard. I got a lot done. And I felt good about it. I had a work performance related meeting and I was given high praise. I listened to upbeat songs and podcasts on my iphone. And I felt o-kay.

It's not like I don't think about him. It's not like everything is fine. But despite the fact that its only been a little over a week. I feel o-kay. Like - I really am still me. You know? Some people go into relationships and they lose themselves. Or others don't know who they are to begin with. But when I met David, I was happy. And confident. And accomplished. And hopeful. And hardworking. And kind. I'm not the greatest person in the world. I have my faults just like anyone else. But I care about being considerate and thoughtful and especially kind to the other people in the world around me. I want to be a good person. And I want to challenge myself. I love my family. And my friends. And I like to laugh. A lot. And even though I'm no longer with a man, I'm still that woman. The happy, bubbly, crossword solving, kick ass lawyer that likes to laugh.

And that feels better than okay. It feels great to have me to fall back on. I'm still here. I'm just here alone. I feel like I should be weeping. Or eating tubs of ben and jerry's. But I'm not. You'd be proud of me. Anyways, I'm proud of me.

I've been taking good care of myself. This morning I had a strawberry-banana, plain-yogurt honey drizzled smoothie, special k cereal with skim milk and a skim cappucino. For lunch I had a plain grilled chicken breast and broccoli. For dinner I had tofu with a tablespoon of barbecue sauce and a pile of asparagus. When I got home I went for a run. 1.81 miles at 6:57 mins per mile. I was flying. Pumping my arms and dancing to the music. I couldn't listen to certain songs on my ipod. And I'm sure I thought about him once or twice. But I still felt o-kay. I still felt like me.

That's the best part of a breakup when you are a grownup. If you are true to yourself before and during - you still have the true you even when its just you. And that's something...

It's a lot. Everything isn't great (yet), but everything is okay.

Cheers and thanks for all the kind words of encouragement,



IntrigueMe said...

I'm so glad to hear that you're still feeling like you. Here's to hoping you can take something away from this and move on to something better.

silverstar said...

TG, you have the right to be happy, and never need to make apologies to those who want to bring you down a notch, because either they don't know you or they can't know what's in your heart.

I would like to offer here not the usual consoling words, but to expresss my gratitude for how you have helped me, to better know myself and go confidently into that good day and night. So you didn't find The One. But you realized what you have had in you all along. You aren't a fantasy, a dream, a mirage, but a real phenomenal woman, fiesty and fierce, flesh and blood. You are that mythical creature for a gentleman, you just haven't met him yet.

I'll continue privately, but just know that I wouldn't be where I am today without your counsel and support. Whether it's Kama or pay-it-forward, you will be rewarded for your good works. Always
~ C

Jolene said...

As much as I am so sad for you, I am REALLY glad you are doing ok. You sound quite upbeat, all things considered, and focusing on you and your health is a great 'distraction' right? XO!

Toddy said...

Intrigue Me - I'm hoping to learn something too. Not sure what yet. Hoping blogging about this despite the sadness and the time spent thinking about it will help me do that.

Silverstar- Wow. How do I respond to that? Thank you for thanking me. If I have in any way made your day or days a little brighter or better or more self-reflective than I am honored and happy that I have done so. I really do hope that I am that person, in real life, that you believe me to be. I know that I am a good person, worthy of good things. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Jolene- sometimes I actually do FEEL UPBEAT. other times though I think I'm just fakin it till I make it. We shall see. Its not in my nature not to be upbeat and positive despite the loss.


hawaii2DCdee said...

Dudeee - I can't believe I have been neglecting your blog! Obviously I've been caught up in the whirlwind of moving and finding a job but damn. I am so sorry.

After reading your breakup post earlier my heart sank. Literally. It's the worst feeling in the world especially when things seem great and peachy the week before.

And wanting to have reasons like you said: going back to school, having differences, hell, even it being another girl - those reasons not being there makes it exceptionally difficult. My ex who I still love dumped me on my ass. Helped me move in my last apt 2 years ago and said "it's over". Didn't give me a reason. In the back of my mind I prayed it was another girl.

I went into "bombed" mode for about three months. Hooked up with friends, etc and just partied 24/7. I was a mess. My friends loved it though! haha.

However, looking back I realize that it really wasn't meant to be and that maybe we just really didn't belong together. He had a huge fear of commitment and being stuck with me would be hell letme tell you. :)

So, fast forward a year and a half later; I was into a loving relationship with my current bf and the ex shows up! He contacted me alllll the time. Wanted to hang out, etc. I finally agree to meet him for a drink and he tells me that he loves me (something he never told me when we were together) and that he wants to give it a second try. He said that I'm the only girl he would ever give a second chance. What BS!

We still talk and see each other from time to time since he's on temporary assignment here in SF. However, I hate him for hurting me two years ago. I can't forgive him for that.

Needless to say, "David" will be back. He'll realize how much of an idiot he was for passing up someone as amazing and wonderful as you.

All I can say is just be careful. He may be genuine but he needs to realize that you deserve the world and forgiveness may not come easily.

In short, guys are dumb. They never realize how great they have it until it's gone. I've always tried to be a great girlfriend and as a result have 10 guys who would take me back in a heartbeat, but guess what, not a chance in hell.

I wish you the best. You will find someone who loves you more than you love them (which I've found is key) If you need to vent I am here!


Toddy said...

Hawaii2dc- you are AMAZING. And this comment is AMAZING. It just made me feel - AMAZING. Like listened to and cared about and understood and hopeful and empowered. It sucks that it may be true that you have to find a guy that loves you more than you love them because honestly I have so much to give. I have so much LOVE to give. And it makes me happy to be giving and loving and give love. doh. Plus how can you be with someone if you dont love them as much back? Its tricky. But yeah, it is some consolation that I was such a good girlfriend to David. On the other hand, its confusing and hurtful because I feel like - how was I and that not enough? I hope he does come crawling back in 1 month or 10 years. Just because. And take him back? hell fuckin NO! Cheers, T.