Sunday, April 24, 2011
THE BREAKUP: PART 1
Well, I don't know if fairy tales or unicorns do or do not exist. But I do know - that my current relationship didn't provide a happy ending. Because I have recently been unexpectedly, surprisingly, devastatingly -- DUMPED.
If he were an asshole or a bad guy. Or someone that didn't treat me well. Or that wasn't looking to settle down and have a family because we were too young or he wasn't ready or he was a commitment-phobe or the product of a divorce. Or he was moving away for school or work. Etc. If. If, if, if....there were a reason other than it just didn't feel right, it wasn't a good fit, I'm not "the one" I think it would be easier. Because then I could say I was better off. Then I could say I'd dodged a bullet. Then I could say there was a reason. Sometimes though, it's just not right. Sometimes though, you don't belong together. For no reason at all.
And it's just awful. It sucks. I completely understand why so many of you couldn't keep up with my I'M SO HAPPY, LIFE IS SO GREAT, PUPPIES AND FLOWERS AND CANDY BULL SHIT. Because if you aren't happy. If you are a sad sack, half-shell of a person you can't be around other people. You can't read their stories. I've been wanting to read Hilarity and Shoes and Maura Me to Love and Dating D.C. and so many more. But I don't want to read about relationships or dating or sadness or loneliness. I don't want to read about tales of empowerment and confidence and happiness and hope.
I want to be drunk. And abuse Tylenol P.M. And get through the motions of living. Because I must. I must pay my bills. I must get up. And shower. And dress. And work. And live. Because I am alive. And life continues. Whether you are happy that it does or not. Day in. And Day out. Breathing. Existing. And hopefully feeling nothing. Because if I let myself feel anything, then I will feel the sadness and the loss and the heartache and the confusion. I will miss him - David. A man who I thought was perfect for me. A man who I thought loved me. A man who made me happy. Until he didn't.