Sunday, April 24, 2011

THE BREAKUP: PART 1


Well, I don't know if fairy tales or unicorns do or do not exist. But I do know - that my current relationship didn't provide a happy ending. Because I have recently been unexpectedly, surprisingly, devastatingly -- DUMPED.

If he were an asshole or a bad guy. Or someone that didn't treat me well. Or that wasn't looking to settle down and have a family because we were too young or he wasn't ready or he was a commitment-phobe or the product of a divorce. Or he was moving away for school or work. Etc. If. If, if, if....there were a reason other than it just didn't feel right, it wasn't a good fit, I'm not "the one" I think it would be easier. Because then I could say I was better off. Then I could say I'd dodged a bullet. Then I could say there was a reason. Sometimes though, it's just not right. Sometimes though, you don't belong together. For no reason at all.

And it's just awful. It sucks. I completely understand why so many of you couldn't keep up with my I'M SO HAPPY, LIFE IS SO GREAT, PUPPIES AND FLOWERS AND CANDY BULL SHIT. Because if you aren't happy. If you are a sad sack, half-shell of a person you can't be around other people. You can't read their stories. I've been wanting to read Hilarity and Shoes and Maura Me to Love and Dating D.C. and so many more. But I don't want to read about relationships or dating or sadness or loneliness. I don't want to read about tales of empowerment and confidence and happiness and hope.

I want to be drunk. And abuse Tylenol P.M. And get through the motions of living. Because I must. I must pay my bills. I must get up. And shower. And dress. And work. And live. Because I am alive. And life continues. Whether you are happy that it does or not. Day in. And Day out. Breathing. Existing. And hopefully feeling nothing. Because if I let myself feel anything, then I will feel the sadness and the loss and the heartache and the confusion. I will miss him - David. A man who I thought was perfect for me. A man who I thought loved me. A man who made me happy. Until he didn't.

21 comments:

andy said...

He didn't deserve you.

J said...

I know there is nothing anyone can say right now that will lessen the pain, and I'm so sorry. If you ever want to talk, I'm around!

Also, Tylenol PM- YES. Tylenol PM is a wonderful friend at times like these.

C Girl said...

Ah honey I am so sorry. I wondered where you'd been. It just feels like shit, and then it feels like shit some more, and then one day you start to feel a little better.

vvk said...

*hugs

Maura said...

In an effort to avoid the cliches, I'll just say two things:

1) This really blows
2) I'm so, so sorry

Keep throwing back the covers and facing each day. It'll get better.

Damn, there's the cliche. But it's true.

IntrigueMe said...

oooh :( I'm sorry to hear that there wasn't a happy ending here. Glad you seem to be managing okay, but for the nights when you need to let go- I hear vodka and blogging does the trick.

... said...

That sucks. Big time.

I hope wine and time help!

Sassy Marmalade said...

I'm sorry. :( I can't promise it will get better soon, but I do know it will eventually ... or at least I hope so, because I'm not quite there myself yet. Until then, its ok to feel sad and think that life sucks, because you're doing all you can do just to get out of bed and get through each day. Stick with it, girl.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm wrong but he seemed to be a very judgemental person who expected his girlfriends to jump through hoops and prove themselves worthy...your college friend in contrast seems someone you can be yourself with and be easy and free with..would that ever have happened with David? I feel terrible for you that he took some hope from you but glad you won't have to spend a life with him proving yourself.

Jolene said...

OMG...wow, I don't even know what to say. I am so so so sorry. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug and share a glass of wine with you. XO...

Sarah said...

I was so excited you posted again, and then I was upset for you when I read your post.

I'm sorry.

Betsy said...

So sorry to hear it! I was wondering why we hadn't heard from you in a while and hoping that wasn't the case. I hate that it was so random and the level of trust you have for someone who could do that to you... So sorry again.

Clicking Frogs said...

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

Your body and breasts mean you won't be alone for long. Don't sweat it.

Phnx65 said...

I, too, had wondered where you'd gone to. You're not ok, but at least you're ok; aka out there, b/c some of us had started to worry. David is obviously the lesser party here, and I concur with Andy - he didn't deserve you. Tylenol PM and all the friends who care for you, are what will make these early days go by... and go by they will. So sorry MM....

Kissing and Other Disasters said...

Stay away from the Disney movies and eventually everything will get better.
Hugs.
-K

Susanlee said...

I'm so sorry lovey. I know this must have come as a shock, things seemed so nice. It's always worst when it happens like that. Please know that I've been there, and that I'm thinking of you, and let me know if you need anything at all. <3

Toddy said...

Oh wow guys. I am overwhelmed by all the support and kind words and yes, even the annoying cliches.

andy - you are ridiculous and nuts but pretty awesome. You are my best cheerleader. really and truly.

J- I think its time to hit the singles events no?

CGirl- you are definitely right. I feel bad then I feel good, then great then sad then shitty then good again. But the fact that the good and the great are sneaking in, especially this early on is such a good sign. I think.

vvk-hugs back.

Maura-you are SOOO the person that throws back the covers and gets her shit done. I SOOO admire that about you. And I'm doing it...

IntrigueMe- you said it sister. Alcohol and bloggin. Prepare for some mindblowing breakup posts. there a coming...

Toddy said...

Sassy Marmalade - solidary girl. Solidarity!

Anonymous -- wow you remember the college guy? could memory? me impressed...That guy is great. But he's in NYC. And we are 99% better off friends (I think).

JOlene- Thanks for commenting. I am soooo happy that things are so great in your relationship but I don't know if I'll be able to read about it for awhile. Too hard. I know that makes me selfish and lame. But it is what it is. I'll be back eventually.

Sarah, Betsy and Clicking Frogs - thanks for the constant support and readership. I am always so happy to see your names in the comments before I even read what you have to say.

Andy (aka Anonymous commenter #2) thanks for the vote of confidence. The boobs do help. somewhat...

Phnx, Susanless and Kissing Disasters -- all great advice! All made me feel better.

Thank you all!
T

Jolene said...

No worries. I completely understand.

Toddy said...

Oh Jolene - thank you.