The Math Teacher: Part 7

"Math is a lot like love - a simple idea, but it can get complicated..."

After the Math Teacher left the Chinese restaurant for a friend's bbq I was pretty deflated. But at some point I had to get over it. I had to work the next day (Saturday), per usual and the following day (Sunday) per usual. Which is to say, because I work so much, I have to get my jollies in while I can. I need to be around my friends and tried to decompress. So even though things with the Math Teacher weren't going as well as I would have liked, and even though he had left, now was the time to have some funwhile I still could. Even if I had to rev myself up to do it - to convince myself I was actually happy.

"Let's get to the karaoke place," I told my friends. "I want to....EMOTE!" "Emote?" one friend said. "What do you mean 'emote'?" "I mean I want to SING my soul. I want to belt it out. I want to feel it. I want to -- EMOTE!!!" "Okay then, whatever you say," my friend said and waved their arm wildly in a gesture to the group that seemed to round them up and head them all towards the door.

When we got to the karaoke place, things were in full swing. A large group of drunken friends, out for a birthday or some other event were really going at in on the small stage in the back. My friend Jenny and I did some espresso tequila shots (don't ask, just know they are delicious) and settled into the bar stools as we perused the song menu.

What followed is what usually follows on a karaoke night out with friends. Some good singing, some bad tunes and then also a few memorably horrific performances. Beers and mixed drinks and a round or two of shots quickly becomes a shitshow of botched harmonies and hipthrusts and somehow you end up telling everyone there, even those you've never met how, much you love them, man. Except sometimes something out of the ordinary happens....

I don't know what time he got there. He could've been there half an hour or five minutes. But the Math Teacher came back, a friend in tow. A guy friend in tow, not to worry. I tried to make small talk with the friend but I was a little wasted. Or a lot. Frankly, I hadn't expected the Math Teacher to reappear so I had gone ahead and let myself go. Pretty literally. But seeing him was having a sobering effect. I was glad he had come back. And I couldn't help but wonder if he'd come back especially for me.

After MT's friend left we sat down on a couch up against the wall, crammed in between two of our other friends. It was cozy. (To say the least). I don't know at what point we started making out. But we did. And then one of us got up to get a drink or go to the bathroom, but somehow we were separated. I went over to talk to my friend Amanda. "He's pretty cute isn't it?" I said more than asked. "Yeah, he is," she agreed." "I think I like him," I admitted tentatively. "Good," she said. "He's a really nice guy." "I know," I said.

And then I talked to my friend Spencer who had been there the night that I first hooked up with MT. Spencer and MT were friends before I knew either of them all that well. "You've gotta tell me," I started to Spence. "Honestly. You've gotta tell me if he's playing me," I pleaded with him. "He's not playing with you," he said. "Honestly." "He never was." "Then why did he go home with me that night?" I asked more impatiently. "I don't know," he said. "He thought you were fun. And cool. And hot. But it doesn't matter. He likes you now. He really does." "But how do you know?" I almost whined. "Because he told me. He likes you a lot. He's just worried he's the rebound guy. He doesn't want to be." "But he IS the rebound guy. I mean, isn't he?" "He doesn't have to be you know." "But he just IS!"

"Is he?" Spencer finished just as MT was coming back over to meet us. "Whether or not he is or is not the rebound guy, is entirely up to you you know."

And then MT was by my side again -tall and handsome, gentle and kind. He smiled at me, leaned over and kissed me on the side of the face. It felt nice. Comforting. He took my hand in his and whispered in my ear: "Do you want to get out of here?" I nodded.

I don't remember saying goodbye to anyone. I just remember leaving. With him. Hand in hand. We waited outside for a cab on the sidewalk.

And I was nervous. Because somehow, some way, after losing my self-believed Mr. Unicorn and having my heart shattered completely, I had found a way to open myself up again. To the possibility of someone else. To the possibility of loving again. And to hoping and wanting and wishing, that someone great, just might fall in love with me back. I had fought my feelings for the Math Teacher for a long time. I wouldn't let myself get too close. I wouldn't let myself feel anything for him. But sometimes the heart is smarter than the mind. Or at the very least, its more stubborn. The Math Teacher had weaseled his way in and I didn't want him to go. I was going to give him a chance. This, a real chance. I wasn't sure if I was going to love him. Or could love him. Or wanted to love him. Or if we were right for each other. But I was going to stop fighting it and just let things happen.

I guess I was taking some shallow breaths because MT asked me if I was okay. "I'm okay," I said. "I think I'm just nervous." And then he said something, I would have never expected: "What makes you think I'm not nervous too?". Which surprised me. Because I think he actually meant it. It had never occurred to me (after all the pain and disappointment that men had caused me) that he was taking a chance on me too. That he wanted to be with someone too. And though this didn't calm my nerves, it did make me feel less alone.

And so we waited. In the warm spring air that lazily drifting by as it headed towards the summer. While the possibility of our new romance, thickly hung all around us.

A Date With A Unicorn Pt17: Fate or Coincidence

Friday night I met Mr. U at Darlington House in Dupont to meet some of his oldest friends. At this point, I'm beginning to feel like I'm being paraded in front of every friend Mr. U has ever had. At first, I felt as though I were being tested, but now I can only conclude that he's excited about me and proud of me and simply wants those persons closest to him to know that new part of him that is me and to share in his good fortune. It's a good feeling.

In some ways it feels as though we're the veteran couple even though of the four couples that were there, we had been together the shortest time. One couple bailed early to be alone at home right away, missing out on all the group fun. The others drank themselves silly and clung to their partners. MrU and I stood with his arms around me, calm and unassuming, nodding and smiling, as the others groped and giggled. What quiet happiness was ours. Like a secret.

On Saturday, we lazed around in bed as long as possible. Mr. U who had made us brunch reservations, coaxed me up repeatedly. "You know what would help?" I asked hopefully. "What?" he wondered. "If you would make me some coffee?" I replied greedily....After he left the room, I got up to get ready. He came back in shortly with the coffee. "You dear, dear man," I said as I kissed him on the cheek.

Soon enough, we were plodding through the puddled Dupont streets, making our way to the Tabard Inn. What a lovely gem it is! We ordered hot mulled ciders and took them into the lounge. We sat by the fire and perused the paper. It was deliciously lazy. After an hour or so we had breakfast. Warm muffins and biscuits, country fried steak, brie and shrimp omelet and white wine. We stuffed ourselves with tastiness.

Afterwards, we made our way back to Mr. U's apartment under a shared umbrella as the sky drizzled down around us. We curled up under a blanket snuggling close on a love seat. We read our books off and on between napping and chatting until we fell asleep for an hour or so soundly. We kissed each other sweetly and nonchalantly upon awakening and then it was time for me to go home. I packed my things and Mr. U walked me to the door. We made plans to see each other Thursday and he kissed me goodbye. I went home sleepy and content.

You'd think everything was perfect. But then...later that night, Mr U texted me. And I ignored it. In the morning he emailed and I failed to respond yet again. This was not an unfamiliar feeling. I knew it all too well. The fear of commitment and vulnerability was ever rising in my throat and threatening my new found happiness. I had felt this before and it felt like purposeful emotional numbness. And it meant that I didn't want to talk to him. Because I didn't know what to say. Instead I sat quietly and wrote this - to myself.

When he still hadn't heard from me, he called me later that night. That's the thing about Mr. U- While he doesn't know even close to the depth of my insecurities or fears, somehow he always seems to sense when I need a little extra push in the right direction.

"I just called to say hi," he said cheerfully. "We hadn't talked at all in a day and a half and that seemed...unusual...for us. How are you doing?" After a long talk about how we spent the rest of our weekends and what was coming up for the week ahead, he told me to get some rest and said goodbye.

I already felt better. But was not entirely assuaged. In the morning I got up and went to work and tried to focus but I felt restless all day. I took laps around my office floor and drank an obscene amount of coffee but nothing seemed to help. In the late afternoon, I grabbed my coat and told my coworker, "I. just. need. to. GET. OUT!" She nodded her head in agreement. I put my ear buds in and rode the elevator down into the lobby and then broke free out into the street. I started to walk. I walked and I walked and I walked. I turned the corner and then...

(I don't believe in God most of the time. Or fate. Or at least I don't think I do. But sometimes, things make me wonder.)

I turned the corner and then...I almost smacked dab right into Mr. U! -walking in the opposite direction. We had to pull our arms back away from each other to avoid a collision. "Well, hellooo," he said leaning down to kiss me. "Hi," I said. And there we stood. In the middle of the sidewalk, in the middle of downtown. Standing for what felt to me, like an eternity. With goofy grins, just staring at one another. What was this feeling? Happiness? Joy? A knowing? A recognition of the other.

A passerby maneuvering around us shook us out of our reality. "Where are you going?" he asked. "Oh just taking a walk," I said. "I'm heading back to the office," he said. "I just had a meeting with a client at their firm." "Would you like me to walk you back there?" I asked. "Sure," he said.

And just like that we were walking briskly down the street - together. Mr. U grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. He asked me something and I was slow to respond. "Sorry," I stammered. "I was just, kinda, in my head just now. It's taking me a moment to snap out of it." "Don't over think it," he said purposefully. "But I always over think it," I exasperated. "I know you do, but don't," he countered.

We got to Mr. U's office. He gave me a few kisses goodbye. "Thanks for the walk," he said. "It was great to see you," I said. And with that, he turned into his building and never looked back.

I walked back to my office and sat down at my desk. Then when I opened my email, I read the following from Mr. U: "Seeing you, made my day." Short and simple and perfect. Just like him.

The whole encounter was just how we are. I see him and there's no one I'd rather see. He lifts my spirits. I'm sure I do the same in return. We could've talked about anything at all or nothing of consequence and the results would be the same. It almost made me feel guilty about writing a post about how unsure of all this I was. And unsure of him. And how hard it was to just try to accept being with him and being happy. Because nothing could be more ridiculous or insane. I see that now.

I read two posts yesterday. One by Maura Me to Love entitled "Lessons of the Weekend" and one by Quarter for Her Thoughts called "Climbing Walls." In Maura's post she discusses a frustrated but honest and resolute determination that the new guy she's been seeing, is simply not for her. At first she can't put her finger on it - he just doesn't have that extra something, that X-factor. There just isn't that thing. "Something is merely missing." In response, her friends and family fear she is "self-sabatoging this potentially great relationship." But then she pinpoints the problem further. "“We don’t have terrible amounts of fun," she acknowledges. "“He doesn’t make me laugh, " she adds. And after sadly concluding that her new man, is not the man, she wisely acknowledges: "When the heart speaks. We should listen." In Climbing Walls, IntriqueMe (Quarter for Her Thoughts' handle), writes a post very similar to my own previously panicked one. She describes a fear of something and someone new and an even greater fear that she might "pass up something great." She also fears falling for the wrong man again and says: "If I were to make another wrong relationship choice, I could lose everything I’ve worked so hard for… and so I have walls up." I understand these walls all too well.

These posts, Mr. U's email and some sound advice from one of my commenter's Tricia: "Take it from me, girl. You've got a good one on your hands. Don't let him go. Instead, let yourself go," made everything all too clear.

Unlike Maura, there is nothing missing. There is no X-factor that Mr. U lacks. We do have terrible amounts of fun together. I think the only way our time together can be described is "tremendous." We always have a tremendous time together. And in contrast to IntriqueMe's fear of another wrong relationship choice, I know, 100,000% that Mr. U is not a wrong choice. I love everything about him. The way he looks, the way he acts, the way he makes me feel, the way we are together. When I see him, in an instant, he calms every fear, every hesitation, every worry. With a hand, with a word, with a look. He makes me want to shout out loud the depth of my affection. Because he is right. We are right. I am this lucky. This is really happening. It's time to just let it happen, and let myself go.

I'm going to let myself go and believe in Unicorns. And I'm going to listen to and trust, in my heart.