Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Suck it eHarmony

Apparently there isn't one, single man within 30 miles of Washington, D.C. and the surrounding metropolitan area that is a suitable match for yours truly. What I've always secretly believed to be true has been officially confirmed by the so-called "#1 Trusted Online Dating Site for Singles". Based on a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles using 29 DIMENSIONS to match couples based on features of compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships, I am apparently the right girl for...drum roll please...NO ONE.

How is this possible? After all, eHarmony's sole business is to find you a date and moreover a mate, and yet I am such a poor candidate for romantic success that they've gone and declared me UNDATEABLE. They've rejected me. WTF?
eHarmony boasts over 20 million registered online users. Surely, some significant portion of 20 million users live and date in the expansive and populated District arena. Am I wrong?

My feelings of inadequacy are increased by my awareness of the many cretons, yes cretons, that my friend Scarlett has gone out with via eHarmony matches. The guys that get sloppy drunk half way through the date or the intolerant bastards that gay-bash the GLBT community, women that work, or homeless people for hours oozing sickening social entitlement. Or even the guys that lie about their height and age and everything else that they embody, e.g., when they are in fact 5'10 instead of 6 ft'1 and 42 years old instead of 35. Or they say they like the arts but haven't been to a museum in Washington in 5 years. Are you kidding me?!! These liars and posers are more dateable than moi? Me, a reasonably attractive, educated, generous, genuine, vivacious young woman? How can this be? I'm beginning to feel like Medusa.

In Greek mythology, Medusa was a beautiful and fair-cheeked maiden, so sought after by the aspiration of many suitors, that Athena, the goddess of war, in an enraged jealousy transformed Medusa's luscious locks into serpents and made her face so terrible to behold that the mere sight of it would turn onlookers to stone. Medusa became hated and feared by all mortal men and was doomed to live a life of alienation and desperation and loneliness.

Is this my fate? Am I such a commitment phobe or such a workaholic or so emotionally sensitive or too energetically overwhelming that no man anywhere could ever appreciate my individual gifts and strengths and charm? Am I destined to be alone because there truly is no one out there for me anywhere that could stand to put up with me or want to be with me for any given length of time?

This is an incomprehensibly depressing thought. I'm still reeling from the rejection and dejection of it all.

And I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to recover from this massive blow to my feminine ego. But until I figure that out, the only thing left to say, to the evil relationship prophecies that be, is:

Suck it eHarmony. Suck It.


Frankly, Scarlett said...

Dont be silly honey! Stupid Dr. Warren and his stupid 29 dimensions. You get more male attention than any other 5 women combined! You're just uber picky with the intel factor ;-) Perhaps lower your standards?? Nah - suck it!

Christie from CityGirlsWorld said...

We love your sentiment, and concur: Eharmony can suck it. Girlfriend, get on OK cupid stat, and do not spend any more money on paying for online services. There are FINE men out there, I promise! Also, I love that you spent the weekend drinking (raises wineglass in your direction). Sometimes, it's medicinal!

Toddy said...

Thanks for the vote of confidence guys. It is much appreciated.

Sarah said...

I guess I don't have to repeat myself, but I am going to anyway: You are not missing anything. If anything, you are $50 richer than me. :/