After jolting from MT's bedroom like steam from a kettle, I might've thought about what that all meant if I didn't have to work a 10 hour day on a Sunday the following day. Hungover. Okay...really hungover. And then the 12 hour work days Monday through Thursday blurred together like one and the same until five days had gone by without even thinking about the Math Teacher. Or David either for that matter.
Then Thursday arrived and I was supposed to have dinner with him. He had texted at some point and suggested a little Middle Eastern place he'd been wanting to try and if I was up for it did I wanna go? I had said yes, but as the day arrived, I grew more and more tired. I was EXHAUSTED. I am ALWAYS exhausted it seems.
"I think I have to cancel for tonight," I told my co-worker Amber. "Not again!" she almost shouted at me. "You cannot cancel on him again." He will NEVER go out with you EVER again if you do this to him twice. It's not cool. It's not nice. Its....RUDE."
"I know, I know it is," I whimpered. "But I could barely keep my eyes awake in that meeting. And we have hours left to go in this day. I hate being this tired. I hate it. I really am this tired. I swear!"
Then I told my co-worker John about my plan. I needed a second opinion: "I'll just say I was stuck here. Stuck in a meeting. I couldn't leave. And say I feel really REALLY bad about it." "I mean, it doesn't really matter what you say," he replied. "It's obvious you just don't like the guy. Obvious to me. And it will be obvious to him."
But hearing those words. I realized it wasn't true. Because if I really didn't like the guy, I wouldn't be trying to think up the perfect excuse. I wouldn't be worried that he'd never go out with me again. I would assume that he would think and assume I didn't like him and stop asking me out and I'd stop going out with him and that would be that. But that's not how I felt. I felt REALLY, really, really conflicted. Conflicted between my complete and utter exhaustion and inability to do nothing and my desire to go spend time with him. I really did want to have dinner. So much so that I was still considering going - despite my growing weariness and hopelessness at life.
"If you're gonna bail, tell him now," Amber said. "It's not fair to him." "I know, I know, I know," I said. But what if I feel better later and change my mind?" Amber just looked at me. With that bitchy, no-nonsense, handle your business look of hers that said: "Tell him now. The end."
So I texted him. That I was stuck in a meeting and I was REALLY disappointed but I wouldn't be able to make dinner that night. But that I knew our friends were getting together for happy hour and then karaoke the next day (Friday) and that I was hoping he was going and that we could go together. Perhaps he could meet me at the metro near my office. I usually get off work between 7 and 8 but I would get off at 4 and we could get there before anyone else and spend some time together before the whole gang arrived. How did that sound?
He said it was really too bad about dinner. But he would meet me. And we would go together. "Thank you for understanding," I told him. But I could tell, he wasn't as patient and unaffected as he had been the last time.
I got off work at 8pm. I was too tired for the walking and the metro and the bus so I hailed a cab and paid the $15 to get home just a little bit sooner and without any effort. Just sitting there. Defeated. Downtrodden. Disjointed.
I did not stop Go. I did not collect dinner. Or a conversation with the roommates. I went directly to the bedroom and collapsed into the pillows - my own kind of heaven, but my own kind of jail. I couldn't escape my confused thoughts and my put-upon heart. I lay there, thinking "damn." "Damn, damn, damn, damn." "I should've gone to dinner....there's something about him..." And I was worried, for the first time - that I might lose him. This amazing guy who had grit. Who stayed. Who never faltered. Who let me be me. And liked me. And who was so good looking that no one would ever kick him out of bed for eating crackers. And I started to get the sinking feeling that I had ruined something that could be something - maybe even something good.
To be continued...
14 comments:
Sometimes, when you truly are THAT tired, you really can't fathom doing anything else but go home and retreat. Do you think he would have bought that excuse (the real one, being tired) if you had told him? I hope that it didn't ruin things, but honestly, if a canceled date ruins things, then that's a little harsh of him, at the same time, no?? To be continued, damn you! ;-)
Jolene- you never cease to amaze me w your ability to see that people are human and need to be treated at times w patience, kindness, understanding and to be cut some slack instead of just jumping to the conclusion that someone is displaying "bad behavior" and simply criticize or judge. I appreciate that. I think i said I was stuck in a meeting rather than just tired b/c i wanted to convey I wanted to be w him but couldnt versus could be w him but chose not to be. Sorry about the To Be Continued but I try to keep the posts someone short and besides, I promise its worth the wait....
It doesn't sound like it's too late yet :)
I love these stories! And it sounds like the TBC leads to an even better story. At least it should, or I'm going to be mad.
As for being tired, he knows how many hours you put in, right? So he shouldn't be surprised if/when you have to cancel on him because you work 12 freaking hours a day.
Oh man! I don't hate this post at all! I also really want to believe that you like him, but I can't. I totally believe that you were tired. I mean with the hours you put in, how could you not be!? But I think if you really liked him, you would have slapped on some lipgloss and at least met him for a drink. This early in a relationship in which you really like a guy, nothing gets in the way of spending time with him. If you feel put out at all that you HAVE to spend time with him, I think that's a sign. (OK maybe I'm projecting because I have been in a similar situation.) I am sure he's great... but I think you want to like him more than you actually do.
I dunno... I think the commenter above, and your coworker John, nailed it. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental, but everything you've written about this guy makes it sound like your feelings are lukewarm toward him. Being tired and not wanting to go out is understandable given how much you're working but twice? And when you are out with him, checking to see what your friends are up to and then ignoring him for the rest of the date? At least in my experience, when I really like a guy, I think about him all the time, can't wait to see him again, excited by every e-mail or text, etc etc.
It's like your brain is saying, "This person is a good guy. He would make a good boyfriend. I should date him." But unfortunately, you can't talk yourself into falling for someone, even if you want to. But why would you want to settle for lukewarm? And if you were in his position, would you want to be with someone who was settling for you?
Just my two cents. I obviously only know what you're written here so maybe there's more to the story.
If you're too tired, you're too tired. I'm a big believer in honesty... and phone calls instead of text. When you're that tired, it often comes through over the phone and is easier to understand.
On a different note, this post for some reason brought to mind your posts from late last year. You were writing about being "Over Men Again". The world changes and brings different problem... but there are always problems.
I swear to gods you're going to give me a concussion from banging my head against my desk so many times. If you're too tired to go out, tell him you're tired, and invinte him for a slumber party. Heavy on the slumber.
One of the reasons that I knew that my boyfriend was "the one" that I was meant to be with was because he understood how my life is, and how sometimes, I just don't want to do anything. Some days, he would come over and do nothing with me. Maybe the next time you feel tired like that, you could just tell him, "I'm exhausted, I don't feel like a night out, would you like to come over and just hang out?" Order a pizza, wear your sweats, watch a movie, and spend time with a person you like. It's a great way to be.
I'm sure he was disappointed about dinner, but you did at least throw out an immediate raincheck, which I'm sure helped.
Can't wait to hear the rest....get typing, Girlie!
Sarah- you are right its not too late!! :-)
Paulette- thank you for the praise. Really. Maybe its vanity or conversely insecurity but knowing someone, somewhere, especially seemingly lovely people like you enjoy my stories entirely makez them worth writing AND again I guess I dont allow myself to be a bit lame or fel ok about canceling or saying NO bc 12 hrs a day isso 2nd nature to me that I forget other pwople dont work like that and I can cut myself some slack and other people will too.
Cotanch- one of my most loyal readers at the moment!!! Hope this story was a nice break from work and glad u liked it. You are right- i dont like him as much as I wish I did but then again how much i like him has increased, continues to increase...
I was on your side, right up to the point where you texted him. If you're going to cancel on someone, have the courage to call them and tell them. Texting is lazy, especially when it comes to blowing someone off. Show him the respect he showed you by asking you out.
That said, you probably haven't blown it. But you're on the razor's edge. Careful where you put your next steps.
i have to agree with @cotanch - i'm not saying you weren't exhausted, just that maybe next time you go for the glass of wine and then beg off?
i hate to be continueds. keep it coming.
bupkiss-am I feeling lukewarm towards him b/c there is nothing and can be nothing between us or because I was still getting over a breakup? I guess I'm sticking with it because this Math Teacher is a really great guy and is crazy about me. I've been honest about my need to go slow and that it may not work out. But I'm giving it a chance. He wants me too and what else is life for anyways?
StormKat-excellent, excellent advice my dear.
Susanlee-dont bank your head against the wall!!! hahhhaha. Certainly not on account of me. I'm crazy and I do crazy things.
vvk-Your right....a lot has happened in less than a year. Aint life grande?
freckledk-sorry I've been delinquent writing more. I need to catch up bc SO much has happened! thanks for being patient and sticking with me!
FoggyDew-completely agree I haven't BLOWN IT but I'm on the razor's edge. The very next post explains how I was at the edge of the cliff and how maybe I salvage it...
Vittoria-sorry for the to be continued doll but it TAKES FOREVER to catalogue a relationship's development does it not???
Cheers and thanks for all the awesome comments guys!
T
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