After being outside in Baltimore at the Preakness Horse Race all day, my group of friends continued on to another bar to party. After hours and hours of being there, I was tired and a little sun burnt and a little drunk. The Math Teacher and I looked around and realized that all of our friends had left us and gone home. I wasn't sure if they had even said goodbye. We had gotten lost in conversation for who knows how long.
We left the bar and got a cab. We decided to go to his place, with the understanding that I was in fact tired. burnt. and nothing was going to be happening. And he was fine with it. But by the time I got to his house and into his sport clothes (which happen to be super baggy on me and completely ridiculous looking) and lay down in his arms, I suddenly felt suffocated and trapped. I had to work the next day (yes I work on Sundays, every Sunday, fml) and I wanted to go home and shower the dirt and suntan lotion and long day off me and go to bed - ALONE-. And get some real sleep. And get up in the morning surrounded by my clothes and my things before heading into work inevitably hungover.
"I'll give you a shirt in the morning, " he said. "And you can shower, just relax."
He is always saying that to me. "just relax." But I don't WANNA relax. Or maybe I need to. Or should. Or just can't.
We went through his closet and I tried on everything he owns that I could wear over jeans to work on a Sunday. Button down shirts mostly. He is 6'3 and I am 5'7. Needless to say, I was swarming in stripes. I looked at him and shook my head. "You know this isn't going to work right?" "I know," he said. "I'll walk you down and get you in a cab."
And he did.
Things just hours earlier had seemed so right. So easy. What was my problem? Why couldn't I just lay down in the arms of a man - who seemed to truly be that - a. man. And let him hold me. And care about me. The whole night through. I wanted so much to want to be with him. I wanted so much to be over David. But some days, are just so much harder than others. And confusing. And at that moment in time, I had to get out of there and be alone.
There's nothing I can do about it. The sadness ebbs and flows. The new found feelings for MT come and go just the same. And I seem to have control over none of it, but instead, I am victim to the unpredictable tidal waves of feeling that continue to wash over me without any relief.
13 comments:
We had gotten lost in conversation for who knows how long.
This is good.
But some days, are just so much harder than others. And confusing. And at that moment in time, I had to get out of there and be alone.
This is human.
As someone who knows something about uncontrollable emotional ebbing and flowing... cut yourself some slack.
vvk- youve always known exactly the right thing to say. And make me feel like I can actual write. Thanks, T.
You are human, you do need to cut yourself some slack. I hope the ebbs and flows of sad are soon replaced by happy...
Some days you just want to be alone. That's perfectly okay. I suppose you just need to worry if the days you'd rather be alone outnumber the days you want to be with him. Love is complicated, but you'll figure it out.
Are you kidding me? This guy is little more than your security blanket. It's sad to watch er read. Cut him loose and do you both a favor. You don't deserve somethig that isn't awesome, and he deserves better. Don't ruin him. Or you.
Woman the fuck up.
I'm vacillating between understanding completely and agreeing with Andrew. If it was the right person wouldn't it be a bit easier?
I'm trying not to bring my own *stuff* into this but, to me, it would seem that you either aren't ready to date again or you aren't meant to date The Math Teacher. But I also think that you don't need to make any decisions until you are ready to do so. If you want to see how it all plays out, go for it.
i dunno, i think you're handling yourself quite well. you're not jumping into (onto?) MT ill advisedly, but you're also not letting D destroy your chances for love!
i say go you.
I don't want to sound too harsh, and I don't mean to imply that you are doing this, but, as the old saying goes:
If you are still crying over someone, you are not ready to be with someone else.
And that isn't really a bad thing.
I'll give him a couple of points for trying to find you a top to wear..
But more importantly i'm jealous of his height. Wow, i'm shocked that you found a tall guy here in dc. Go you
Unfortunately, I'm with Andrew on this. God I hate David.Someone should kick his ass.
This is very brave writing. And impressive to be able to explain the uncertainty and yet write with absolute certainty. On the fly. Bravo.
Unfortunately, I fear that this seemingly gentle math teacher is about to be crushed into a million tiny pieces.
I really like vvk, Jolene and The Divorced Guy's comments. I look forward to reading more... xoxo
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